& why is it that darling has to be sneered at almost every mealtime?

it is so irritating that
when they want him to clear up the food,
they say his tummy is big enough to contain…. 
when he eats more of what he likes,
they will say that he is fat,
doesn’t exercise enough,
& all sorts of negative comments….
when he eats less coz the food is not to his liking,
they say he is picky,
& unhealthy….
& wtf is “太好命”!

so what if they are parents?
furthermore they should mind their language isn’t it?

how can they say those things in that kind of tone?
“他不会啦! 他没有读书!”
wtf!
it’s hard to respect elders like them.

this is why i didn’t want her / them to know.
she has definitely made negative comments.
i know she said / doubted sales will be good
or there will be sales at all.
it’s as good as having her jeer right in front of my stall.

i’m actually quite over it as i’m writing this
but
i’ll still note it down.
coz just the other day
after i got to know dd got mooncakes from his office
i already guessed that she’s gonna ask darling about his boss & mooncakes….
but i “forgot” to jot it down here
& there was no “evidence” to prove to darling that I know mm so well.

aside
i hate it when she “reminds” darling to give her $.
i hate it when she “suggests” that darling gets reimbursed
for electricity (for working from home).
seriously
dd turns on the fan the entire day
what about the many lights
his tv
his macbook
his macbook pro
his imac….
darling doesn’t switch on the light to work
doesn’t even turn on the air-con….
your reminders of “household allowance”
& complaints of the “increase in electricity bills”
are alike shout-outs to make me feel bad for staying here.
we aren’t even sure if there is an actual increase.
we haven’t seen the bills.
even if there is an increase
don’t you realize it could be due to other factors than darling working from home?
on top of the many gadgets that dd uses
now that meimei is unemployed
she also uses her laptop like the entire day.
you mean all these don’t outweigh darling working from home?

even if she didn’t attempt to jinx me for the flea
she definitely has made negative comments before
on so many different occassions
that made me feel so small.

this is the feeling i hate.
that she & pp is so capable of putting others down.
so much to the extent that i have to stop darling from telling her things.
even worse
doubt darling when he claims that he did not.

i dislike how they….
“huh, you don’t know meh?”
“aiyo, like that you also don’t know.”
“aiya, i know, i just didn’t want to say….”
“i already
read from the papers /
saw on tv /
heard on radio….”
bloody hell!
stop being so arrogant for the trivial matters
that you may know while we don’t.
or sometimes just can’t be bothered to chip in
for your dry / random “discussions”.
stop trying to conceal your ignorance
for the significant issues
that you know nothing about.
stop pretending to “know everything”!

if mm is trying to make me look bad
sad to say,
she’s almost successful
using those low-down ways.
for things that she can ask me directly
she does not.
for things that she’s not supposed to say
she makes sure i get the message.
for things that she has asked her son about
she must “double-check” with me.
for things that she does not want her son to hear
she will nag at me in private.
for things she wants her son to know
she will defintely wait for /
create the opportunity
to “amplify” her message loud & clear.

all these compilation of her “mother-in-law” methods
i’m beginning to think
are picked up from taiwanese- / korean- dramas’
from super-duper evil mother-in-laws
to “tame” their daughter-in-laws.

darling….
if you are reading this
please give honest answers to the following….
when mm 1st saw the clothes rack
she really didn’t ask about it?
if she did ask
it just goes to show that i’m right.
& please know that i’m totally hurt
knowing that i’m right & you lied.
if she didn’t ask
then
please understand that i’m having these doubts
coz of all the things that she’s been saying to me
& doing to me
behind your back.
& sometimes even when you are around
(i still can’t figure out if she’s too good at it
or you are just too blind to see).
please also know that either ways
i’m still hurt
coz i actually let her manipulate my thinking this way.

it is pathetic.

you really didn’t tell mm / meimei about the flea?
then it’s weird
coz mm seem to know way too much
from the “very little” that you claimed to have revealed.

day in & day out
i keep hearing them make sarcastic remarks
& discouraging
very discouraging comments
& get away with it.
the “funny” thing is
all of you seem so darn “used to it”
or brainwashed
not to “take it the hard way”.
but i simply can’t pretend not to be affected.

in a way
i feel that dd handled today’s “issue” rather well.
at least that shut her off.
if i’m not stuck in this position
i just may do the same.
but since i still very much like to be with darling
i shall take yet another deep breath
& move on.
nope
not gonna fight back.
nope….

230910
it is not cool to stare at your son’s screen
while he is on skpe.
you thought it was his boss?
then the more you shouldn’t disturb him isn’t it?
so what if you stayed outside the room.
i take back my words that you give your children personal space.
you were “openly”spying.
no
curiousity is not a valid reason.
no
that is also not how you learn how to use the computer.
no
that is also not the right time to learn.
no!
to whatever bloody excuses you can come up with.

it was plain rude!

& it is ridiculous to ask me to describe to you what’s on the screen
for things you “missed”.

& you
you who gave consent
by not stopping her from eavesdropping / spying
is a coward.

& you didn’t hold my hand when we crossed the road,
you rarely do that!
i hate it when you stop showering love & care on me
when your family is around.
i hate it!

instead of words of encouragement,
that after a long pause when exercises,
we managed to complete more than 2.4km….
he made a prediction of “the consequences”….
which i’d say will almost be accurate.
i mean,
it is almost for sure that we will get muscle aches.

it irritates me!

100910
i was so heartbroken.
given up hope on him.
if he has spared a thought for me,
he would have known how much inconvenience it is for me
that i can’t even get to iron clothes as & when i needed to.
how could he ‘ask’ in such a way that makes me feel that he’s belittling me?
on so many occasions he made me feel like an idiot,
or rather so many times,
he makes me feel that he thinks i’m an idiot.
& excuse me,
‘idiot’ is not even a crude word.
& so we started yet another argument.
i know it was not that big an issue,
but i have been tolerating so much nonsense from his family,
or rather his clan,
i just couldn’t take it anymore.

i do not want him to turn his back on them.
i do not need him to confront them.
at least not for now.
otherwise,
all that effort i put in & hardship i put up with
in order to maintain this ‘good’ mother- & daughter-in-law relationship
would all be wasted.
there is almost no way to remedy if it was ruined.

all i ask is that you defend yourself,
defend me,
even without me complaining to you….
you, as her son,
voicing out opinions
is so much different from me saying anything.
can’t you see that we are in vastly different positions?

090910
it is our anniversary.
but,
i do not have happy stuff to jot down.
sad?
getting used to it.
i had been,
& have seen several sisters
who are single when their siblings are attached.
but none has been as irritating,
or rather self-centred as she is.
she is in no position to chide my bearbear
for choosing not to spend time in her so-called family activities.
she has no life!
we, as a married couple
can absolutely choose to spend time alone,
without the few of you,
& the whole clan.
your life is all about
that ex-colleague who tried to take your position,
that ex-colleague who was dying & now recovering from cancer,
it is not even a good topic to discuss over meals,
& you have long quitted.
& that ‘friend’ who lies about her age,
i really don’t care about your views on her.

& so i can probably understand why you would like to participate,
or even organize ‘family activities’.
don’t expect me / us to entertain you.
we would like to spend time as a couple on
christmas eve, christmas, new year’s eve….
any other day without you.
you who keeps harping on ‘family’,
& broadcasting about politics from your ex-workplace(s).
even if someday you were to get yourself attached,
& your other half is an unromantic geek
who loves taking part in your family activities,
if you were still to organize,
then so be it.
i will still not wish to join!
especially if that freak who traumatized me is going to be there.
it is the most hypocritical child,
if ‘it’ could still be categorized as one.
it injured itself to get attention,
even knowing that i was there
watching him put up the act.
it knows they will be taken in.

i fear….

what is $20 only?
can you make $20 selling your stuff online?
you don’t even know how to!
darling bought that pair of shoes for $89,
now he gets $110!
i think those shoes fetched a really good price!
they weren’t gonna be worn anyway.
i don’t care if they are worth $400+,
the fact is that darling earned a profit.
& i don’t think you get a right to go through people’s stuff like that.
you don’t have a right!
not so coz he’s your son,
not even when we are living in you house,
& not even if it were a bag of rubbish.
you absolutely have not right to go through things that don’t belong to you!
did you ask before trying on those shoes?
so you think just coz it was meant to be sold that we gave up the ownership,
& it just went to you coz this is your house?

i must remember never to have that kind of sense of entitlement.
when i become a parent,
i must remind myself never to invade my child’s privacy.
more importantly,
never to put them down,
not in any way!
never to make them feel small!

& freaking remember never to peep into my child’s room!

i may not be a great parent,
but i definitely would not be a bad parent.

darling,
if you are still reading my blog….
please,
please try to listen to me like you used to.
i was telling you the exact same thing that meimei told you,
i said that the collection point was really near the cashier….
it’s either you don’t listen to what i say,
or you heard what i said but don’t respond,
yet you follow every single ‘command’ that anyone else in the family gives.
where do i stand?
what do i mean to you?
i can’t take very much of this,
not with all the other nonsense that i bear with.
this wasn’t the kind of married life i wanted.

the hr person replied, they are offering lower than i expected….
but i’m thinking that i should just take it.
i don’t wish for her to so coincidentally bring up the household allowance issue to darling the next time she’s unhappy for something i did.
how sad is this?
i don’t know….

i do find it a little cute that jy drinks from that tiny cup,
but,
it is afterall a measuring cup for medicated syrup for constipation.
the worst part is that the bottle did hold medicated syrup for constipation.
i will never agree on that for my child,
i’m sure erjie would freak out as much if she was there.